Saturday, April 10, 2010

I Feel the Need, the Need for Change!

This year, I turned 27… 27!!! That is crazy. It just seems so… old! Where did the time go? On the inside, I still feel like a high school kid. I still feel very immature… But on the outside, I’m supposed to be a responsible adult, with a husband, a career, a mortgage, bills, bills and more bills… a “grown up.” It’s hard to explain, but lately, I’ve been looking around thinking, is this it? Is this all that there is for the rest of my life?

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life! I have a great husband and we have a great relationship. He is my best friend. I have a wonderful, supportive family that is always there for me. I live in my dream house in a great neighborhood with awesome neighbors. I have a college education that has led to a career that I enjoy and is really perfect for me. I really have been blessed. But for some reason, it still feels like there is something missing... I’ve just been really confused. Basically, I feel like I need a change.

Not a lot of people know this, and I’m not sure why I’m sharing in such a public method, but one change that I’ve been wanting for almost a year now has been to start a family. This is very strange because Chaz and I have always planned on waiting until we were at least 30 to start a family. I never really felt ready for kids. I was always scared of kids, and frankly, I still am a little scared. But suddenly, at the end of last summer (2009), it just clicked that I was ready to have a baby.

Chaz, however, was not on the same boat. He wanted nothing to do with kids. Those first few months were spent with a lot of arguing between us, and a lot of tears from me. I just couldn’t understand how he couldn’t want the same thing I did. We had always wanted the same things. And I hated the fact that I couldn’t change his mind. I had already stopped trying to prevent a pregnancy, if you know what I mean, and this did not make Chaz happy.

But eventually, things settled down between us. I cut back on how much I talked to Chaz about babies and baby making and basically anything baby related. But I think the amount I did talk about it helped Chaz become more comfortable with the idea. I think he accepted that it was something I was ready for and he wouldn’t be able to change my mind. We are both so stubborn… So basically, as long as I didn’t admit that we were “trying,” then we were doing just fine.

But to me, we have been trying. I’ve been trying. I’ve been taking my vitamins. I made Chaz start taking vitamins. I’ve used ovulation kits. I pay attention to cycles and certain times of the month. I’ve even called my doctor (they won’t see me until we’ve been trying one year). I’ve taken pregnancy tests. But it’s been 10 months now, and still no positive result. This has been incredibly frustrating. Especially when it seems like everyone I know already has kids or is pregnant. I’m not sure why they feeling is so strong, but for some reason, my biological clock is ticking very, very loudly!

So, that’s where things are right now with starting our family. Basically, nowhere. I really thought getting pregnant would be easy. How many times have I heard “All it takes is 1 time.” Apparently that’s only true for the 16-year-olds on MTV. I know that it’s only been 10 months. I know of other people who have been trying longer than us and haven’t had good news to share. So for now, I’m just settling with what is going on. I can’t control this (which I hate). So I’ve just got to go with the flow. The plan is to keep trying, and if nothing happens, see my doctor in September (I’ve already got the appointment scheduled).
So, starting a family is a change I’m ready for, but I can’t control when it will happen. So, the second change that we’ve been working on this past week has been a geographic change.

Chaz and I decided this week that we want to move somewhere that stays warm year round. Somewhere tropical. Somewhere near the beach. So, we began looking at possibly moving to Hawaii, specifically the island of Oahu. I know, it seems far-fetched. It seems impossible. But we both know that life is too short to not try something new, try something crazy. If we didn’t like it, we could always move back home. So, we researched jobs. We looked into places to rent or buying a condo. I started getting my resume ready. We did this same research for other areas of the country, including Sarasota, Florida, the Florida Keys, and southern Texas.

And most importantly, we made an appointment with realtor to check out our current house to see how the process would work to get it on the market.

That’s when this new idea of change was shot down. Of course, everyone knows about the current housing market. The values of homes have gone down. And unfortunately, that includes our house… At best, we’d be able to list our house at the same price we owe on it, so we aren’t quite to an upside-down mortgage yet. But we are pretty darn close. I had figured that our home value was down, but it’s still disappointing to hear it from a professional. That doesn’t leave us anything for a down-payment on a condo, or for moving expenses.

So for now, we are putting this new idea on hold for a year. We are going to work on paying extra towards our mortgage and prevent it from getting upside down. We are going to build equity the old-fashioned way.

My need for change has still not been satisfied. I’m not sure what I plan to do. And my little quarter life crisis continues… Chaz suggested a hobby. I might try making jewelry. I’m not really sure.

In the past I’ve tried basket making. I took a few classes through the community education Tri-Ace. I also took a Zumba class with my mom. And Chaz and I took a ballroom dancing class. I’m also taking a Marketing class as a pre-req for my MBA. But all this hasn’t filled the void I feel.

I will be on the planning committee for the AHA Start Heart Walk beginning later this April. So maybe that will satisfy my need for something more.

I will also try to blog a lot more! Hopefully my future blogs won’t be so depressing!


  1. What an amazing post Sarah! I am so excited for you! I know how frustrating it must be to be trying to have a baby with no luck, but dont worry, it will come soon enough! Also, like you mentioned, after a year your doctor will see you and can put you or Chaz on some medicine to get the ball rolling :)

    PS. I vote for Hawaii.

  2. Sarah,

    I'm sorry that getting pregnant isn't working for you the way you had hoped. While I read your post, I couldn't help but be glad for the fact that you didn't wait until you were 30 because now you know that this is an issue and you'll have more time to cope with it. And when you do get pregnant, it's going to be that much more of a miracle!!! But, I know it's hard to feel so out of control when it comes to something that means so much. I have a few other close friends who this has also been an issue for... one was finally able to get pregnant and the other has decided after many years of trying to do foster care and adoption. I'll be thinking and praying for you and Chaz, and please keep us updated as you go through this journey. A don't worry about being "depressing", this is reality and I think we all need a dose of it sometimes. :)